"How to Human"

I remember the very first night home with Biruk and thinking to myself, “I can’t believe I am a mom.”  As I stared down at his little chubby face, thinking about the many miles we had crossed over the ocean to bring him home, it felt surreal.  After many months of hoping, praying, and wishing that we would have a child, we were now officially parents.

 

Fast forward 13 years, and I’m not sure that I fully understood the weight I would feel being a white mom of a black child.  I had read the books and articles our adoption agency had required us to read and had talked to numerous adoptive parents who were raising children whose skin color did not match them, but I’m not sure than any of them could fully prepare you for the world in which we raise our kids.

 

Over the years we’ve experienced our share of looks, questions, and even ignorant comments, but nothing could prepare me for the first time that my son came home after a classmate, in his anger, had called him a racial slur.  If you know my son, he sometimes comes across naïve, like he has no idea what is happening around him.  I think some of that comes from his kind and gentle heart, always seeing the best in people, and some comes from his innocence.  But this time, he knew exactly what was happening and he wasn’t sure how to unpack all that he was feeling.

 

I remember coming home from work that day, climbing up to the top of his stairs to his bedroom, and seeing him laying face down on his bed.  “Dad said you had a rough day today.”  His response was very few words. But I didn’t have to ask him much more, because I could see it in his eyes.  There was hurt.  There was confusion.  There was self-doubt.  Because in those moments, he had become “other” in the eyes of a friend, whether the intention was there or not.

 

Yesterday, as a racist video was posted of our former President and his wife, I watched the world respond, and I once again was reminded that we have a long way to go when it comes to racial reconciliation in our world.  It wasn’t just the fact that the video was dehumanizing, but also the stark reality that there is still so much hatred in our world.  It’s the way that people talk about one another, speak to one another, make assumptions about one another, and judge one another, without ever even really knowing each other’s stories.  In many ways, we’ve forgotten “how to human,” as one of my favorite authors and speakers, Carlos Whittaker, talks about.

 

Last night, after spending far too many hours reading far too many comments of far too many people struggling with “how to human,” I decided it was important to talk through what had unfolded in our world  that day with my son, who is now 13.  Because while he is being raised by two white parents, it does not take away from the reality that he will always be black.  He will always have that lens, always have that experience, and will always carry that weight, things that I will never fully understand.  And these days, as he navigates middle school, he is navigating his identity and who is sees himself as.  And trust me, we have had many conversations in the past few weeks about that very thing.

 

What I hope that he sees, is that his identity is rooted first in his Creator God, the one who made him in his image, the one who sees him as more precious and more valuable than he could ever imagine.  But second, I hope that he always sees himself as a proud, young black man, whose life has just as much value as the person next to him, no matter his race, socioeconomic status, or class. 

 

That day that Biruk experienced his first racist encounter, he had confided in a classmate about it.  That classmate knew that Biruk would not tell the teacher, so he told the teacher himself.  He spoke up for Biruk when Biruk couldn’t speak up for himself.  Later that day, the principal met with Biruk, and took the time to share her own experiences of racism as a black woman living and leading in this world.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for both of those people that day, who reminded my kid just how valued he was.

 

Sometimes, I think we are afraid to stand up for those who can’t.  We believe it will cause more controversy or division.  But at the end of the day, isn’t everyone looking for the same thing?  To feel loved, to feel seen, and to know that their life is valuable.  We may not all stand on the same side of politics, have the same experiences, or even begin to be able to understand what the other person’s world looks and feels like.  But we can all be better humans.  With our words.  With our empathy.  With our voices.  The choices we make today…will in fact shape the future.  And for a 13 year old young black man…that may make all the difference in the world.