Life Unexpected

I remember the very first night home with Biruk and thinking to myself, “I can’t believe I am a mom.”  As I stared down at his little chubby face, thinking about the many miles we had crossed over the ocean to bring him home, it felt surreal.  After many months of hoping, praying, and wishing that we would have a child, we were now officially parents.   Fast forward 13 years, and I’m not sure that I fully understood the weight I would feel being a white mom of a black child.  I had read the books and articles our adoption agency had required us to read and had talked to numerous adoptive parents who were raising children whose skin color did not match them, but I’m not sure than any of them could fully prepare you for the world in which we raise our kids.   Over the years we’ve experienced our share of looks, questions, and even ignorant comments, but nothing could prepare me for the first time that my son came home after a classmate, in his anger, had called hi...

When I was about five years into being a Youth Pastor, I met a group of kids that changed my life.  Many of you reading this, who know me personally, have probably heard me talk about them numerous times.  Nate and I happened to live in the parsonage next door to the church I was serving at at the time, and would routinely come home to a group of boys that I would have described then as "rough around the edges."   They dressed mostly in black, had long hair, and sometimes even had black painted fingernails.  They loved to smoke, and they loved to skateboard.  After a few days of watching them through our window, Nate and I went outside and brought them some sodas.  We introduced ourselves, told them I was the Youth Pastor at the church, and invited them to come to youth group.  While they politely declined our invitation, we continued to invite them over and over again, attempted to skate with them, and fill them with snacks.  Until one day, ...

It was the night before we were ready to leave for Ethiopia that it dawned on me. We hadn’t given the necklace to Biruk yet. When we had exchanged necklaces with his birth mom ten years prior at the orphanage, we had no idea when we would give it to him. We just knew that we wanted him to be old enough to appreciate it, as it would be the only thing he would have from her. We had no idea if we would ever see her again.  There have been several moments in our journey where I’ve had to pinch myself, because it has felt like I was dreaming. That night as we put our final things in our suitcases, took a deep breath, and came to the realization that we were not only taking our kids to Ethiopia, but that Biruk would in fact meet his birth mom…well, you had to pinch me, because it felt like I was dreaming. It also felt like the perfect moment to share this gift that we had been holding onto for 10 years. So we pulled out the necklace and gave it to Biruk. While words can be few and...

When I was in Seminary, I went on my first Mission Trip to a third world country. I was just two years into my marriage, a young 23 years of age, and I had no idea how the experience would change me. My Dad happened to be taking a team from his church to the Dominican Republic and I needed a cross cultural experience for a class I was taking, so it seemed like a perfect match. That trip not only changed my life, but created this passion to serve in third world countries and was the launching pad for all the mission trips I would get to lead at the churches I was a youth pastor at. By the time I was I reached 40, I had taken 2 more trips to the Dominican Republic, a trip to Costa Rica, a trip to Guatemala, a trip to Africa, and of course 25+ trips to Honduras.  There is something about being in a third world country that feels like home to me. I know that sounds strange, but I have often found myself saying, “I’m my best self here.” They are places that breathe fresh life into...

When you dream about something and talk about it for quite some time, you often find yourself planning out the details in your mind, envisioning what it will look like, and creating this perfect scenario. It’s kind of like when you start dreaming about your wedding day and find yourself creating the perfect Pinterest board, combing through magazines and stuffing a binder full of your ideas. You know what you want. You have a plan. The expectations have been set. You would think that the same would be true about the trip to Ethiopia we promised to our son when he turned 10, after all, we had been talking about it for years.  When it became a reality that we were actually going, which happened in May when we paid $4000 in airfare, it sunk in that we really didn’t have a plan. All we knew was that in less than 4 months we were going to board a plane to a third world country with an 8 and 10 year old. That in itself was a little overwhelming. However, what we’ve come to stake o...

Yesterday, my family and I found ourselves at a local elementary school’s culture club, presenting about our trip to Ethiopia. Even as I write those words, it kind of blows my mind how God has continued to use our story in unexpected places. When the kids were old enough to understand, we began to talk about taking them back to their birth country when they turned 10. We figured at 10, they would be old enough to be pretty good travelers, but still approach the adventure with a childlike wonder. What we didn’t plan on, was that the year Biruk turned 10 would come on the heels of me taking a brand new job, our family moving to a new state, and buying our very first house, in an economy that felt as though it was tanking!  I remember talking to my counselor one day and sharing with him that while we had always promised this trip to our kids, it just didn’t seem to make financial sense. After all, last time I checked, Southwest Airlines does not travel to Africa. He said someth...

I remember the day like it was yesterday. We had just sat through a goodbye ceremony that included cake, popcorn, soda and coffee, all of which were used for special occasions. We had spent the last hour watching the faces of about 20 little ones, ranging from the ages of 2-14, singing their hearts out, as we held back the tears. Next to us was the little baby boy whom we had just adopted, a mere 8 months old, being held by his birth mother, a mother who had made the difficult decision to give him up for adoption. There are moments in life where words are just inadequate and this was one of them. As a couple who had experienced a long journey of infertility and was now about to embark on parenthood for the first time, we couldn’t help but feel all the feels. There were no words. Minutes later, we would find ourselves walking out to the van, holding the most beautiful baby boy, and at the same time walking alongside a mom whose grief was so tangible you could touch it. Once again,...

This past week was a big one for me.  I got my first tattoo (that's a story for another blog post), our kids started school in a brand new school system where we really don't know anyone (yet another story for another day), and I had my first opportunity to preach on racism in the church. I've never been a person to shy away from speaking on the things that I feel deeply about, or more importantly, the things that God has laid on my heart.  At the same time, I've never really enjoyed conflict.  I'm not an avoider of conflict, but it definitely isn't on my list of "I hope I get to experience that today."  Sometimes, we shy away from conversations that God is calling us to have as the Church, because we are afraid of the conflict that might rise up, myself included.  We all love accolades, affirmation and amens.  The problem is, sometimes God asks us to do hard things, things that cause tension, things that leave you feeling vulnerable, things that may e...

I've never been a super patient person.  I'm not sure what parent to blame that on, but for as long as I can remember, I've not been a fan of waiting.  I was always the kid on the road trip asking my parents a million times over, "How much longer until we get there," five minutes into the trip.  It only got worse the older I got, as I impatiently waited to find out if I made the volleyball team, waited to see if I got the job I applied for, or waited for my now husband to propose to me.  I never liked waiting. Our infertility journey was a "wait" that at times almost broke me.  There were so many days where I felt like giving up on God (start at the very beginning of this blog journey), giving up on the dreams and desires I believed he had planted inside of me, and giving up on the idea that he had a plan and the plan was good.  Years of struggling with infertility and 25 months of waiting to be matched in an adoption process has a way of testing your le...

It's been three weeks since moving our family to a new city, a new church, a new "temporary" house, and far away from what was familiar.  It's only been two weeks working my actual job.  I'm not sure why, but yesterday everything kind of caught up to us.  We had just had a great day as a family visiting our new favorite donut shop (shout out to the Yum Yum Shop), shopping at a discount grocery store that is like a dream world to me, and stopping at the local Walmart for the kids to spend their allowance.  It was a low key family kind of day.  As we drove home, the kids got quiet and Biruk said, "Mom...I miss my friends." You know those moments when you're supposed to be the "parent" in the situation and remind your kid that it's all going to be ok?  I kind of failed at that, because the truth was, my emotions from the past couple of weeks of leaving one place and starting new in another and found away to surface.  My response to my chil...

Photo Creds:  Josh Yoder It's been over a year since I've written a blog post.  In fact, when Nate just asked me what I was doing and I said I was "blogging," he exclaimed, "You're blogging?  Good for you babe!"  Truth be told, there have been many times that I've wanted to write, but have struggled with words, motivation, or have succumb to the reality that some of life is hard to process when you find yourself smack dab in the middle of the hard stuff.  The past 2 years have held a lot.  Challenges, disappointments, inexpressible joy, walks through the wilderness, surprised silver linings, moments that have shaped, moments I thought I would break, sorrow, laughter, new found friendships, deep questions, honest doubt, and the constant reminder that God is still in this, no matter what chapter you find yourself in. This past October, we made the hard decision as a family to follow God's call and move ourselves to Lansdale, PA, where I would take ...

As I lay awake last night, after watching the footage over and over again of the events that took place at the Capitol, I struggled to find words to articulate what I was feeling.  When I started a blog years ago, I was deep in the pain of an infertility journey and writing became therapeutic in a way.  I loved finding ways to be transparent and honest, yet hopeful, in some of what felt like the darkest days of my life. Enter the past 24 hours.  Darkness has felt as though it has pervaded every space.  Darkness in the form of Hatred.  Violence.  Racism.  Division.  Disrespect.  Chaos.  Insurrection. And then there are the images that I can't seem to get out of my head.  Images that represent so much more than an attack on the Capitol.  Words seem inadequate. This morning I dropped my son off at school, a little earlier than normal, and watched him walk to front door and wait outside in line.  As I drove away, tears began t...

At the start of the Advent Season, I came across a concept that has stuck with me over the past 25 days leading up to Christmas.  I was reading Scott Daniels Advent Devotional, "Let Earth Receive Her King," and on the first day he mentions civil rights advocate, Cornel West, declaring these words in regards to his work in race relations, "No. No.  No.  I'm not optimistic or pessimistic.  That's an attitude.  I'm a prisoner of Hope."  Daniels goes on to challenge us to do the same.  To live as people who have been so captured by the hope of Jesus that we can't escape it.  To believe that the God who called us, whose led us this far, will be faithful to finish the work he started.  To be people who simply can't despair. To be honest, it's easier to lean into the despair.  Whether it's choosing to imprison ourselves in the disappointment or endlessly counting all the losses we've felt over and over again, despair is often the easier choi...

Yesterday my alarm went off and I did what I do most mornings.  I hit snooze, closed my eyes, only to open them 5 minutes later and begin to scroll through social media before I would actually get out of bed and spend time with Jesus.  I happened to pull up Facebook first and at the top of my feed was an "on this day" post, reminding me that today was the day we first met Biruk in Ethiopia, a day that literally changed the trajectory of our lives.  There was a sweet picture of Nate holding this precious 5 month old baby who would in the next two months officially become a part of our forever family.  I sat there reminded of God's faithfulness and then began to scroll through the feed searching to see what others were talking about on May 27, 2020.  That's when I saw the name "George Floyd" appear over and over again and as I began to read, discovered that once again, a black man's life had been taken in way that left you speechless, sick, and angry at al...

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I was with my Mom in Florida, on an annual trip that had become essential to surviving the disappointment that seemed to seep deep into my soul, due to infertility.  The call came from Nate, who asked me if I was sitting down.  Two seconds later, I heard the voice of our social worker and knew this was the moment.  "You've been matched!  And he is so cute!"  I couldn't believe it.  After a long journey of infertility that led to a 25 month adoption wait...the deep disappointment that had taken up residence for far too long, had finally broken.  Joy came that day in the face of a little boy whose name we would learn meant, "Blessing." Today marks 7 years since we got the call that we had been matched with Biruk.  In the adoption world, we call it our "referral-aversary," but to me, it was a day that reminded me at my core, hope is never lost and God is always faithful, even when we can't see it...