A Heart Changed...

Several days ago, I returned from a mission trip with my youth group to Honduras.  It was my sixth time being in the country, a country where the people and places have become a second home to me.  Honduras is a place where God has allowed my heart to be captured, broken, and reshaped.  It is a place where I have met people who have changed my perspective on life.  It is a place where I have created friendships that will last a lifetime.  One of my teens posted on their Facebook this week, "If home is where the heart is, than I am out of place."  Honduras is where my heart is...a lot these days.

Before we left for the trip, I shared one of my all time favorite quotes with our team.  "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God."  I have shared that quote many times, probably several times on this blog.  It's in many ways become a daily prayer of my heart.  I think when we make that the prayer of our hearts, we have to be seriously ready for God to do just that.  This trip for me, has been one that has broken me.

We started our week in two orphanages, both of which I had been to several times.  The first orphanage housed girls 12-18, many who had been abused and neglected and abandoned.  I watched as a young girl, about 12 years old, lay in a room next to her 10 day old baby, in conditions that were less than desirable.  I listened as a young girls cried and expressed in Spanish just how bad she wanted to be with her family.  She had only been there a few days.  I watched as several of my students were embraced by several handicapped teenage girls, girls who will most likely be in an institution for the remainder of their life.  The second orphanage was one for children 0-12, a majority with special needs.  As we walked into the room, I was immediately drawn to a little African American baby (well he was about 2 years of age and the size of a baby), who was sleeping.  I decided to wake him up, knowing that babies aren't held a whole lot, and all the touch they can possibly have makes a difference.  It took awhile, but he finally warmed up to me.  I held him for a long time...and then it was time to leave.  As I tried to put him back into his crib, he gripped my neck with everything inside of him...and I had no choice but to let him go.  We both cried in those moments and I forced myself to not look back as we left that room.

A few days later, we found ourselves in Siguatepeque, a rural town that we had the opportunity to work in a couple of years ago.  We had visited a family two years ago, off on a beaten path, that seemed to "break our hearts."  There was a women living with her eight children in a house about the size of our shed at home...not very big at all.  A couple days into our trip this time, some of her children came to the work site, in need of water.  The church has a brand new water filtration system that they share with the whole community.  These 4 girls, the youngest 4 and the oldest 9, had walked about a mile to retrieve clean water.  We happened to be eating at the time, and I watched as all four of them peered into the room, eyes filled with hunger.  I asked  the Pastor's wife if we could feed them, and she said, "Of course!"  One of my teen girls, whose heart has also been broken, helped me fix 4 plates, and as I held the youngest on my lap, all four girls wolfed down what may have been their only meal for the day.  That picture is still in my mind.

I expected my heart to be broken again when I saw those girls, remembering what kind of life they have from our previous trip.  What I didn't expect, was how my heart would be ripped out when I met Luis.  The first day of Vacation Bible School (VBS), I noticed him.  He was 8 years old, but significantly smaller than the rest of the children.  He had rain boots on, which I didn't totally understand.  Lettie, the Pastor's wife, asked me if I noticed him and said, "He has problems walking.  He had polio as a baby."  She went on to share a little of his story, which really grabbed a hold of my heart.  Well, it didn't take very long...ok pause...I am already starting to well up in my eyes thinking about this kid.  It didn't take very long to see he walked with a gait, and had hands that didn't quite work.  I was immediately captivated by his smile, which did NOT leave his face the entire time we were there singing songs and making crafts.  I told Nate about him right away.

The next day, we wound up doing a VBS in a little mission in an extremely poverty stricken area.  We all crowded under this small awning (I am not really sure how else to describe it), with like 100 kids.  As I began to lead the songs, my eyes were immediately drawn to Luis.  He was at the mission!  I watched again, and realized his smile was permanent....and my heart was forever broken.  I would see him again for the last time during our final service at the church Wednesday night.

Wednesday night, Luis was practically in the front row, watching every move, singing every song, and again with a permanent smile across his little face.  At the end of the service, the church called us up front to thank us for our work, and I lost it.  I couldn't stop looking at Luis, who again, had captured my heart.  I realized he had done the same to Nate.  They called for the children to line up in the back to receive the gifts we had brought, and I watched as my husband took the little hand of Luis and walked him, gait and all, down the aisle to receive his gift....again...I am pausing...

I am not sure what happened in that moment, but I felt something change in my heart.  I fell in love with this little kid whom 3 days prior, I knew nothing about. In those moments, I felt my heart open to all the possibilities that God might have for Nate and I.  As I eventually found myself sitting on a stoop, Luis on one side, Nate on the other, I realized we were experiencing one of those sacred God moments that are so hard to describe.  I watched as Nate stuffed this huge bag of legos in this kids's bag, and took the Ethiopian bracelet I had gifted him with this past year, putting it on little Luis' wrist.  It was way too big, but I knew that he would remember that moment forever, and so would we.

I have cried a lot since then.  I cried on the way home that night.  I cried in the morning when I woke up.  I cried at the airport, and even several times in the car on the way to vacation.  I have woken up several times this week with that child's face on my mind  Nate told me if given the chance to take that kid in, he would hop on the plane now.  While that possibility is probably slim, I really believe that God is working on hearts to stretch us for plans that we would never even imagine.  I think he has put Luis in our hearts to remind us that God calls us to love children wherever we are.  And I think he has taught us that when we allow our hearts to be broken like the heart of Christ, OUR world is forever changed.  I so look forward to seeing what God will call us to, and I pray that we will never forget Luis.