Infertility Pains...

Every once in awhile the pain of infertility hits you like a ton of bricks.  This morning was one of those times.  I had a doctors appointment for a yearly check up, and forgot just how many pregnant women hang out in the obgyn.  As soon as I walked in, the reality that my dream of having a family is still "in process," "hasn't happened yet," and seems to be "ridiculously far away," hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I sat down, I looked around and saw about half a dozen women very pregnant, several women carrying in their little newborns showing them off to the world, and a several women attempting to keep their kids under control while navigating their pregnancy appointment all at the same time.  Just when I thought I couldn't handle much more, I watched a very pregnant women and her husband come out the doors holding their newly taken sonogram.  That's when I realized that the pain of infertility will probably always have a bit of my heart and the places where God asks us to wait can feel extremely dark and hopeless at times.

This past weekend, Nate and I finished what we hope is the last of our paper work for our "re-do" of the Dossier.  We headed down to Annapolis to get everything "state sealed," and then decided to go get some lunch.  It seemed like a totally different feeling than last time we turned in our Dossier over a year and a half ago.  Last time we celebrated that our paper work was done.  This time we wondered...we wondered how long it would be before we get a referral.  We wondered if we would wind up with one child or two.  We wondered if the process would ever come to an end.

There are some days that we seem to have a really strong faith...one that supersedes doubts, questions, and lengthy processes.  But if we are going to be honest, we also have those days where we wonder if we will ever be given the desires of our heart.  We wondered that this weekend as we sat across from each other in Annapolis, handing our paper work in for the second time.  How long will this go on???

I have been reading Job in my quiet time.  I guess I chose to read Job because I was hoping to read the words of someone who may understand what it is like to feel "forgotten" by God.  To be honest, the first few chapters of Job are pretty depressing!  Job is stripped of everything...friends, family, houses, material goods, animals, etc.  You name it, and it was taken.  Job spends a lot of time crying out to God asking "why," and at the same time expresses this trust in God.  Well, I got to chapter 11 today and it said this:

"Can you fathom the mysteries of God?  can you probe the limits of the Almighty?  They are higher than the heavens.  What can you do?  They are deeper than the depths of the grave.  What can you know?  Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea....If you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hands and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm without fear... YOU WILL BE SECURE BECAUSE THERE IS HOPE!" (Job 11:7-9, 13-15, 18)

Wow...I don't know what it is about that passage, but I feel like it's a reminder that God knows the plan.  Even when we don't get it, even when we are at the lowest of lows, even when everything feels like it has been stripped from us...God has the plan, and we find hope in that.  He is a mysterious God, one that we can't even fathom.  But he is our God...a God of love...our creator God...a God who has not and will not forget us.  Have hope.









Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 1, 2012 at 8:05 PM

    Andrea and Nate, you both are very special to me. Your posts are so very encouraging in spite of the fact this journey has taken you in many directions at various speeds. God is wise and he knows best and won't it be GRAND when he surprises you both with what he has planned for you. Keep looking up. Still praying.

    Love you, Audrey

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 11:02 AM

    Ang and Nate,
    I like the focus of this blog entry on Job. I have always been facinated with him and how he lived with the ambiguity of trusting in God yet not getting the result he felt he deserved. I recently spoke with a friend who seems to have distanced himself from God becuase he is disappointed with the outcome of his marriage. He thinks he deserves something better, yet it the reality has fallen short of his expectations. Sometimes we don't get what we desire in the timeframe we think we deserve. Sometimes we don't get what we desire at all. But Job's faith is deeper than results. He expresses the true nature of faith in his statement "though he slay me, yet will I trust in him." That is true faith when it is based on who God is not on a specific result. You two are having a profound impact on all kinds of people. And we are watching, waiting, praying, expecting and hoping with you! Thanks for being faithful.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Andrea and NateOctober 2, 2012 at 11:08 AM

    Thanks Dad! That means a lot:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 5:31 PM

    another piece of profound and inspiring introspection.I have seen you grow in leaps and bounds. I know that God is going to give you the desires of your heart and that He is shaping your heart to His will. love you muchly. Mom

    ReplyDelete

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