Confidence...

A blog post from my hotel room last night...

Confidence has never been my strong suit.  As a teenager, I was never the best athlete, never the prettiest girl in my class, and never the top in my class.  In fact, in high school, I would have described myself as a pretty average person (15+ years later, I would still describe myself that way).  When I was about 14 years old, God began stirring something in the depths of my soul.  I was at teen camp that summer, listening to a speaker speak about something (that to this day I totally do not remember), when I felt it.  It was that feeling you get when you know your life is going to change and you are scared to death.  It was that feeling you get when your head and your heart have a full on battle with each other.  It was God calling me to ministry.  I could feel it in the depths of my soul…that unshakable feeling that once you felt it, you knew that you could never go back to living in the same manner again.  And confidence…wasn’t exactly cheering me on.

For the remainder of my high school career, I would fight the battle of trying to live with confidence as to what God had called me to be and to do in this world.  I would head to college and continue to fight it (giving up on the call and attempting to go a different direction…which did not work), only to wind up realizing in the end, that if God calls you to do something, you can’t not run from it (you can try…but it’s exhausting…FYI).  So, I waived the white flag and surrendered my life to the one who would continue to stir my heart for the rest of my days.

Back to the confidence…it’s still not my strong suit.  You would think that the older you get the more confident you get.  Or the more you do something, the better you get at it, and the more confident you become.  Maybe for some, it works that way.  But for this girl…I keep fighting the battle.  For this girl…I keep struggling to find it.  For this girl…it continues to be the thing that makes me want to quit some days.  My lack of confidence leads me to believe that I am not good enough.  My lack of confidence reminds me that I am not making a difference.  My lack of confidence interjects on a daily basis that I am not doing a good job.  My lack of confidence makes me feel “less than.”

The enemy is really good at figuring out where our weak points are, and for me, that is my confidence.  I believe that the enemy wants us to believe that we aren’t good enough to do what God has called us to do.  I believe that the enemy wants us to buy into the lie that we can’t possibly be making a difference in the world.  I believe that the enemy wants us to play this awesome comparison game with the people around us so that when we walk away we will look at our life and say, “They are doing so much better of a job than me.  They were meant to do this…not me.  They are so much stronger than I am.”

There are so many days when I start to believe those lies.  There are so many days when those lies begin attempt to take control of my soul.  There’s just one problem.  That feeling in the depths of my soul, that unshakable feeling that I felt at the age of 14, still has a strong grip on my life.  And so, the battle begins.  It’s a battle of lies vs. the truth.  It’s a battle of confidence vs. calling.  It’s a battle of doubt vs. belief.

Tonight, as I was sitting in our NYI/NMI Service (fancy way of saying youth and missions service), the speaker invited the youth pastors to come forward so that he could pray for us.  To be honest, I don’t really remember his exact message, but he was talking about passing the baton to the next generation. He prayed that we would feel encouraged.  He prayed that we would continue to fight for this generation.  He prayed that we wouldn’t give up.  He prayed for strength.  As he prayed, I felt this overwhelming feeling in the depths of my soul, an unshakable feeling, much like I felt at the age of 14.
  And I began to weep.  In those moments I felt as though God was reminding me, “Andrea, stop fighting the battle.  I am enough.  I chose you.  I called you.  I will equip you.  I am using you.  I will keep using you.  Just be faithful.  Keep running the race.  Don’t give up.  Remember what I have called you to do.  And don’t worry about what anybody thinks but me.  I made you.  I love you. And I…not you…can do ANYTHING. Remember your call.”

Tonight, I am overwhelmed by the reality that despite the lack of confidence, the inner battle, and the doubts that often permeate my soul, there is a God who is still willing to use me.  Not only is he willing, but he has placed a specific call on my life, one that is tailored to who he has made me to be, and nothing can take that away.  Thanks be to the God who continues to remind us of our call.

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