Finding Myself in Africa...

I have always struggled with seeing myself as enough.  If I look back on my life, I am not even sure where that struggle emerged from.  I grew up in a home where my parents poured out love on a daily basis, reminded me that I am a person of value, encouraged me along the way in all that I chose to do, and often reminded me of the things that they saw in me that I often could not see in myself.  I have tried really hard to surround myself with friendships that do the very same thing.  I have tried to do what Brennan Manning writes about in his book, Abba's Child, "To define myself as one who is radically beloved by God and allow that to constitute my self worth."  But the reality is, to love myself, to see myself as valuable, to see myself as "enough" in this competitive world, has been something I have continued to battle out in my daily life.

This past June I received a phone call that I had no idea was coming.  We were away for Nate's first official Father's Day and coming home from dinner that night.  When I picked up the phone, it was the USA/Canada Regional Coordinator for Youth in our denomination.  That in itself was a surprise, but he then went on to say why he was calling.  He was calling to invite me to be a part of a team of leaders from our denomination that would be traveling in conjunction with World Vision to see some projects in Mozambique, Africa.  He went onto explain that they had a spot open, that he would need to know within the next couple of hours if I could go, AND...all of my expenses would be paid.  After receiving all of the information, I told him I would talk to my husband and then call him back in an hour.

As soon as I told Nate the details (to which he immediately said "you are crazy if you don't say yes), I immediately began to make a list of all the reasons why I shouldn't go, most of centering around the fact that I just didn't think I had much to offer.  My thoughts went something like this, "But I don't know ANY of the team members...well I know them...but only because they have written books, and spoke at events, and are names that everyone knows in the denomination.  No one knows who I am.  I come from a small church.  What if I don't have anything to contribute.  What if they think I am weird.  I am weird...or unique...or call it what you want. What if they find that out?  I don't think I can do it."  It wasn't an inner battle that I was unfamiliar with.  It was a battle where once again fear was fighting hard...fear that I just wasn't enough.

Thankfully, that same night I was surrounded not only by my husband (who is beyond supportive and reminded me that everyone puts their pants on the same way), but also my family, who reminded me that I have something to offer in this world.  I made a phone call back that night and two months later would find myself on a plane to Mozambique, Africa, once again facing the fears that seem to permeate my life at times.  Fast forward to today.

I have been home for a little over a week and I have still not processed all that I experienced and saw during my 10 day journey, but I do know one thing, in some ways, I found myself in Africa.  I know that is a totally cliche thing to say after traveling to a third world country, but I don't really know how else to say it.  For starters, the team I traveled with wound up being AMAZING.  Were they people whose names would be familiar in our denomination?  Yes.  Did they all put their pants on the same way as Nate reminded me hours before I boarded my plane (and which by the way the guy sitting next to me also reminded me as I poured out all of my insecurities to him as well!)?  Yes.  But more importantly, they saw me for me and they reminded me that the person God has created me to be is the best me.  I don't have to try to be someone else.  I am enough, because of what God is doing inside of me.  They not only embraced me that week, but they changed my life in ways they will probably never understand through their encouraging words, their kind hearts, and their belief in me.

Second, I developed a confidence not in what I can do or become, but in what God can do and who I can become in him.  Friday night, I was laying in bed, wide awake, begging God to either let me fall asleep (thank you Malaria pills for ruining my awesome sleep patterns) or impress on me what I was to be praying about (I had already prayed for just about everything I could think of AND had counted sheep 1000 times).  I was laying in bed when all of a sudden I heard in my head these words, "If you are given the opportunity to preach, seize it.  Take the opportunity if it is given to you."  Of course, I spent the next 10 minutes reminding myself that I would be the last person on that team asked to preach, and then finally fell asleep.  The next morning...no joke...we are riding in the bus to this village when Gary, our Global NYI Director says, "You know guys, I have been asked to preach tomorrow in the service.  But I would love to give one of you youth pastors (there were three of us), the opportunity to preach if you want it.  Are any of you interested?"  Oh boy.  I waited 5 agonizing seconds and finally blurted out, "I'll do it.  I have to do it."

That next day, something happened inside of me.  When I got up to preach, in this tiny village in Maputo, my words were no longer mine.  I had planned on preaching about fear (ironically the preaching theme for my life this year), and sharing some stories, but God began to impress on me to just share from my heart.  So, I began to share about my fear and insecurities about the very trip I found myself on.  I shared about not feeling like I was adequate enough, like I was valuable, or like I had anything to offer.  I then began to share the story of Peter stepping out onto the water and trusting that Jesus would be enough.  In those moments, something in my own heart changed.  The realization that Jesus was enough for me hit me like a ton of bricks.  It didn't matter if I was known...ever.  It didn't matter if I came from a big church or had a big title.  What mattered was that God had called me live out this life for him and HE...was enough.

The following day, I found myself in a small village watching this group of women and children dancing in this big circle as some men fixed a water bore hole.  I stood on the edge of the circle watching and attempting to clap on beat (which is almost physically impossible for me).  I thought about dancing, but as stupid as it sounds, that was quickly silenced by my insecurities.  All of a sudden I was like, "I am in Africa...what I am doing standing on the edge when I could be in the middle of something epic."  And so...I jumped into the circle and began dancing.  It was pretty bad dancing...let's be honest, having rhythm doesn't run in the Long Family.  In fact, a little girl who had this high piercing whistle was blowing it in my ear and pointing at my feet trying to get me to do the steps in rhythm.  I told her in English (hoping it would miraculously translate into Portuguese), it was a lost cause!  Nevertheless, that day I danced...and I danced...and I danced...and I was reminded that God desires for us to dance in this life.  We weren't meant to sit on the sidelines.  We weren't meant to spend our days thinking about what we aren't, or how we aren't good enough.  He desires for us to let go of all of that and live as the people he has created us to be.

He is enough.

And so, I say that I somewhat found myself in Africa, because I did.  For a few minutes, in a village in the middle of nowhere, I danced and didn't think about why I wasn't good enough.  I was just me...the me that God created me to be...the me that God desires for me to be every minute I am given breath.

I am choosing to dance these days and find myself incredibly grateful for little girls dancing with whistles, tiny packed full churches in beautiful villages in Mozambique, and 9 strangers from all around the U.S. who have not only taught me to believe in the person God has created me to be, but who have become friends for life.  Beyond blessed.