Beauty in the Imperfections...

Sometimes you have those days where you wish you could just hit the rewind button and start over.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I had just come off a long weekend away with a group of Youth Pastors from all over the country digging into poverty and cross cultural awareness prep for missions.  By the time I flew home Saturday night, I was mentally exhausted.  I knew that my exhaustion was not going away anytime soon, due to the fact that I had a two year old waiting at home for me and preparation for a retreat that I would be speaking at the very next weekend (I know...not great timing on my part!).

Monday morning came faster than I wanted to and my predictions were correct.  I was exhausted.  From the start, all I could think of was the 95 million things I had to get done and the little time I had to get them done.  On top of that, it was Monday.  Nate works part time on Monday tutoring English Language Learners in one of the local middle schools and Mondays have become my day home with Biruk.  Our typical day includes going to Target, going to Library time (which is a task in itself), dropping by Dunkin for a cup of coffee and some Muchkins, eating lunch, putting Biruk down for a nap, and then working the rest of the day in efforts to begin my studying and preparation for Youth Group on Wednesday night.

I should have know when I woke up and saw it was pouring outside that the day was going to be a struggle.  I quickly made a huge pot of coffee and decided we would stay in until we had to go to Library time.  Let's just say the morning was a challenge, Mommy was not very patient, Biruk had figured out how to press every one of my buttons, and preparation for Youth Group included me staring blankly at my computer screen wishing for some kind of creativity to miraculously show up in my brain.  By the time Nate got home, I was in full meltdown mode (yes...me...not my toddler...who ironically was still in his crib laughing like crazy, NOT sleeping).

I was burned out.  I had very little to give.  It was not a proud moment.

The other day Nate and I were running our usually 2.5 mile loop when I was reminded of how much we need each other in life.  On our runs, we take turn pushing Biruk in the jogger.  At 30+ pounds, he's not exactly a light weight.  The neighborhood we run in has series of hills, and by the end, I am on empty.  The past several times, we have gotten to about the last 1/8 of a mile, when I see what's in front of me...a huge hill.  Every time we have gotten to the hill, Nate has turned to me and said, "Want me to push the rest of it?"  Without hesitation, I give the jogger up, let Nate push Biruk, and we finish strong together.

This past year, one of the things that I learned from my Women in Youth Ministry cohort, was the importance of having a group of people that would surround me and pray for me.  Our cohort leader called it a Prayer Shield and encouraged us to get one started in our life.  I spend a lot of time thinking about all the people who had invested in me, believed in me, understood my heart, and had a deep love for Jesus.  I put them on a list and began to ask each one of them if they would commit to praying for me, my ministry, and my family.  The response was overwhelming.

This morning, I started my day different than yesterday.  I woke up at 6am, lit a candle, made a cup of coffee, and spent some time just being still before God.  At first, everything I had on my list of things to do began to run through my mind.  God reminded me once again...to seize striving and just be.  It may have been one of the best 45 minutes I have had in a long time.  When I got to work, I sent an email out to my prayer team, creating a vulnerability as I shared my worries, my inadequacies, my "less than moments," and my desire to have the Holy Spirit fill my soul.  Within minutes, those very same people began to pour into my life with words of encouragement, words of wisdom, poetry, scripture, prayers, and love.

We are not meant to do this life alone.  The reality is, we are all going to have days that we wish we could unwind, days we wish we could delete, and days that we hope we will find the strength to forget.  There are going to be times when we feel like we are in an uphill battle to finish strong.  We are going to feel inadequate, less than, and even burned out at times.  We will be tempted to fight those battles on our own, but the truth is, God didn't intend for this life to be lived alone.  He has placed people along our journey to encourage us, challenge us, and to help us grow.  We have to look for them...because they are often little hidden gems along the path.  But when we find them, and we choose to open our hearts and our lives with them, living in the most vulnerable of ways, we will discover beauty in our imperfections and joy in the journey.