The Messy and The Beautiful...
God must have a sense of humor, because for both of our adoptions, we were given 1-4 days to prepare to fly across the world to pick up our kiddos (opposed to the typical 2 week notice). I kind of think it was a good thing, because when you're given 48 hours to buy plane tickets, pack, and get your work covered, there's not a whole lot of time left to worry. That's what the 17 hour flight is for.
Before we left, our social worker had told us that we should keep our expectations low when it comes to how our day would go in meeting and bringing home our daughter. I tried really hard to listen to her, but our first adoption with Biruk had been this beautiful, yet tearful day, that I couldn't help but wonder if our trip to India would prove to be the same. Nevertheless, along that 17 our flight, as well as the two nights leading up to our day, I tried to make myself "keep my expectations low."
While adoption is one of the most beautiful pictures of what it means to live out the gospel, it's messy, painful at times, and requires a strength that is so much greater than what we can offer ourselves. Walking into the orphanage that day, I quickly realized just how much I needed the kind of strength that could only come from the one who called us to this beautiful, yet messy, journey.
I had hoped that when we would meet Madhavi, she would fall in love with us, we would take these beautiful pictures with all of her friends at the orphanage, wave goodbye to the place that had cared for her and enter into this amazing new life together, but I was also smart enough to know that no transition is easy, and transition that includes removing you from the only place that feels familiar or safe, can leave you full of fear.
That day, I saw a lot of fear in my daughter's eyes as she met us for the first time. Her little group of friends recognized us right away, probably from the picture book we had sent her of our family, and they shoved her in our direction, which led to listening to her scream at the top of her lungs for the next two hours as we would ourselves would attempt to be "strong and courageous." As I walked down the hallway to see where she had slept for the past year of her life, I continued to remind myself, "Be strong and courageous."
Over the next 3-4 days in India, we struggled to get our little one to eat, drink, and smile. Fear had captivated her little two year old being, and to be honest, it was beginning to captivate mine. What if she didn't love me the way I loved her? What if we couldn't get to place where we could prove to her that we could be trusted? What if the grief was too deep and the transition was too much? I heard those words again...Be strong. Be courageous. I...the Lord YOUR God...am with you.
And then we saw her smile for the first time. We were in the hallway, getting ready to walk through the mall that was attached to our hotel, and were tag team tickling her, when she finally broke into a small smile. That smile turned into giggles. The giggles turned into a fight against fear. She was beginning to experience what unconditional love felt like. And it was transformational.
If there's one thing I've learned about God, it's that he NEVER leaves us in our messiness. Whether it's fear, grief, difficult transitions, anger, hurt, sadness, brokenness, or the like, he enters it and HE IS WITH US. He breathes life into us, he provides us with a supernatural strength, and he loves us without condition, and he gives us a courage that can only come from him.
There have been several moments, both in India and since we've been home, that fear has attempted to find its way into my world. While Madhavi is obsessed with her Daddy, she's still trying to decide if she can trust this Mama fully. There are times when she giggles and we cuddle, and times where she pushes me away. It's as though she is testing me to see if I'm gonna stick this thing out or abandon her the way that she has felt with many mama figures in her short 2 year life. Those moments have tested me, left me crying out to God, and drawing on a strength that only he can give. Adoption is beautiful, but it's messy.
This morning, Madhavi woke up early, and like the past several mornings, I picked her up, brought her downstairs, sat her on the counter while I made coffee, and got out her favorite bowl of cereal. We had had one of those "can I trust you" moments the night before. As she was sitting on the counter, she looked up at me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes, and smiled, and then giggled. For the next hour and a half, we snuggled on the couch, eating, watching cartoons, and playing together, and for me, it was a picture of what happens when unconditional love makes it's way into someone's world.
This Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for so many things. I'm grateful that God calls us to do things that require strength and courage that can only be found in him. I am grateful that he goes with us on adventures and journeys that often seem more than we can handle. I am grateful that he taught us what unconditional love looks like, knowing that it will transform the world in which we live. But most of all, I'm grateful for the two little ones we call our forever family, ones who have shown that it's often in the most messy and difficult spaces that that this undeniable beauty can be found.
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