Reclaiming My Best Self...

WARNING...THIS IS LONG, RAW AND HONEST.

This past Wednesday I found myself in a Tattoo Parlor with four friends who watched me get my nosed pierced.  I guess I should clarify to say that I didn't just "find" myself there, and my four friends definitely didn't drag me there.  It was a choice, and one that most people who know me well are still saying, "I can't believe you actually let someone stick a needle through your nose when you are terrified of needles."  Side note, the needle used was pretty large according to my four friends, but I wouldn't have a clue because my eyes were shut so tight.  It may sounds silly, but the little stud in my nose, which is honestly pretty small, represents something so much bigger than one night out with some friends.  It's a symbol of the start to reclaiming my best self, the one that God created me to be.

I'm going to be real, honest and raw with you.  The past couple of years have been really challenging for me.  For starters, we moved to a brand new place after living in a place for 12 years, places that were polar opposites from weather to culture to church life to personal life.  It wasn't that one place was better than the other, but they were just totally different and I wasn't sure how to adjust to that.

Not only were we in a new culture, but for some reason, my 12 years of Youth Pastoring didn't seem to create any confidence in me.  For the first year and a half, I tried to be someone I wasn't, I questioned my relevance, and I believed so many self-limiting lies that I often felt paralyzed in a profession that I am not only educated in, but called by God to do.  I let fear of what people would think of me dictate what I thought about myself and how I presented myself in most ministry settings.

Then God shook some things up.  I let go of a lot of control over wanting to see things change in our ministry, begged God to help me find my confidence in him, and began to see some of the effects of that kind of freedom that he can bring to your soul.  It was good, healthy, and I could even see some things happening in my personal life and in my youth ministry that I had been praying for.  And then our second adoption took place and we brought home our sweet Madhavi.

I had always dreamed of having a little girl.  In fact, I have a box of Roxy outfits (surf brand if you don't know) little UGG boots and Toms shoes for that day when I would either get pregnant or adopt a little girl from the other side of the world.  When we got the call we were matched with Madhavi, I was so stoked!  All the dreams would come to fruition.  The truth is, when Madi finally did come home, it was so different than what I had dreamed about.  Most days she pushed me away and wanted her Dad.  For months we struggled to connect at a deeper level.  She didn't want me to hold her a lot and really never chose me when we were all together as a family.  It was hard.  It broke me a lot of days, and I began to think that maybe I didn't have what it takes to be the kind of mom she needs.  There were a lot of days that I believed the lies the enemy was feeding me.

In May, I had the chance to participate in a coaching cohort (which is a blog for another time because it was LIFE CHANGING!!!).   There were so many things that happened that weekend, one of the things that stuck with me is this concept that "We get to choose the narrative we live."  For me, that narrative has been one that has been marked by fear, insecurity, and most recently in the last two years, a loss of joy and even fun.  That weekend I had a serious encounter with Jesus in my hotel room, one that has changed the trajectory of what I do with the "fear" narrative I have chosen over the years, but I still walked away struggling to find joy.

I felt that struggle on both vacations this summer that we took.  I didn't feel myself, I struggled to laugh and let loose (which is typically pretty easy around my family), and I just felt like I wasn't my best self...the one that God created me to be.  Two weeks in a row, I was sitting in church (two different churches that were not my own in two different states), when the lyrics to Elevation Worship's "Do It Again," were sung.

Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But you have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For you have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is your faithfulness
I'm still in your hands
This is my confidence
YOU'VE NEVER FAILED ME YET.

I'm not sure what happened in those moments, but it was as thought God was saying to me, "I've got your back.  I haven't failed you.  Let me knock everything down that stands in the way of your joy."  I sobbed both Sundays...and as I just typed those words in this blog post.  Because here's the deal.  The bridge of that song says this:

I've seen you move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see you do it again
You made a way, where there was no way.
And I believe, I'll see you do it again. 

I have seen the God who created me to be the best me move in my life.  I've seen Him answer prayers.  I've experienced His faithfulness.  I've experienced His joy in midst of deep sorrow.  I've seen Him silence fears, throw out insecurities, and certainly move mountains.  If I know one thing about my God...He is faithful.

I've seen His faithfulness even in the last few weeks as I've watched teenagers in my youth group accept Christ for the first time.  I've seen His faithfulness as I've felt an incredible bond to my daughter who now not only chooses her Daddy, but chooses her Mommy too, wrapping her tiny little arms around my neck telling me over how much she loves me.  I've seen His faithfulness as I've kicked fear to the curb and chosen to be bold in whatever He calls me to do and the person He's called me to be...the most true version.

That night I got my nose pierced, I told Mateo, my piercing guy, that this was Day 1 of Fun (I also told him I was a Pastor, so I'm sure his expectations for my "fun" list for days 2-whatever weren't very high).   Honestly, whether it was a nose piercing, bungee jumping off a bridge, or singing on a stage somewhere, it didn't really matter what day 1 looked like, as long as I found some joy in it.  Because Day 1 was more than an adventure...it was the start to reclaiming my best self...the one who God created me to be.  That self is silencing the lies of the enemy these days and choosing the narrative of joy, because my confidence is in the one who has never failed me before and won't fail me now.