Still Not There...

It's been an extremely tough 24 hours. The past few weeks, it seems as though we continue to get more and more emails saying that the wait time has been increased for both referrals and travel times. We thought we had gotten the "not so awesome news" last week about the wait time between receiving a referral and bringing children home. And then we were hit with the tougher news yesterday. After talking with our social worker, we found out that basically they haven't seen any referrals (matches of children) that fall into what we are asking for, one under 12 months and one under 4 years of age. She told us that the sibling group referrals that they have seen are falling in the age range of 3-6 years of age. She said that we need to pray together and talk over whether it is more of a priority to adopt a "baby" or a "sibling group."

It didn't help that I received the news about 30 minutes before boarding the bus for one of our biggest volleyball games of the season. I don't know why I am struggling so much, but I have felt myself sick to my stomach, crying uncontrollably at times, and just overwhelmed. Here is where my head and heart are colliding. Nate and I feel like God called us to adopt from Ethiopia, and more importantly, has called us to adopt a sibling group. With 140 million orphans out there, we feel like God has called us to start by saving 2. On the other hand, the reality is, I am a woman struggling with the pain of infertility. I sat in the doctors office this week, and looked around, and I was surrounded with pregnant women and women carrying new born babies. You would think that after 5 years of struggling with infertility I would find myself stronger, but the truth is, there are some weeks where i just feel broken. Ths is one of them.

Throughout this whole journey of infertility, leading into the adoption process, I have felt as though God is constantly asking me to surrender. And I have surrendered. I've surrendered my desire to carry my own baby, my desire to be finacially secure (as my husband felt God calling him to a new job that paid less but gave more time for family), my fears, my plans, and my future. The only thing I haven't surrendered is my specific desire for a baby. This whole process I imagined Nate and I in the end with a little baby in a we could hold in our arms...and now I feel like God is asking me to surrender that. And to be honest, that is where I am struggling.

i came into volleyball practice tonight somewhat fragile. My girls had no clue what was going on, other than the fact that they had seen me crying the day before in the office. I felt like I owed it to them to let them know that I might not be myself today and felt somewhat fragile. I could barely hold it together to share with them that I had received some disappointing news in regards to our adoption process. I wanted to be strong, but I felt like my heart was in a million pieces. You know what those girls did? They immediately decided I needed a group hug! Sometimes actions mean a lot more than words. In that moment, I felt like it was ok to be broken, ok to not be the strong one, and ok to be disappointed.

We have huge decisions to make in the days to come, and to be honest, I guess I still have a lot of surrendering to do. As much as I would love to say I am there, I know I am not. God could choose to do anything in this process, including matching us with an infant and a toddler. He knows the desires of our hearts and he hears our cries of pain. I also know God is a God who calls us to surrender, and he is still working on my heart. Somehow in the midst of pain and disappointment, beauty will rise and hope will prevail. It may not come as fast as I would hope, but it will come. In the meantime, I sure am thankful for group hugs.