Beauty Will Rise...


This week I have found myself challenged in my wait. This past Thursday I found out that a good friend of mine, Belinda, died of cancer. She was only 33 years old and had been doing mission work in Thailand. I had met Belinda when I traveled one summer for Youth in Missions to Sydney, Australia. Belinda and I had lived in the same house for the summer and quickly became good friends. A year later, she and her friend Melinda came out for our wedding which was awesome. Over the past 10 years, I have had the privilege of reading her updates of all the ministry opportunities she has had and have been blown away by her servant heart. She was truly one of the most compassionate people I have known, and I have often referred to her as a "modern day missionary."

As I received the news Thursday morning, I was shocked at my own reaction. I could not stop crying. It seemed strange, because we had not seen each other for 10 years, but for some reason, her death hit me like a thousand bricks. I called my Dad sobbing on the phone, crying out, "I just don't understand why God would allow someone to die who had such an amazing impact on the world."

I think there are a lot of things that I don't understand about God. I have found myself often asking a similar questions=, "God, why would you allow Nate and I all of this pain of trying to have a family...we have been your servants, we have been obedient." In fact, I have found myself questioning God these days with his timing, which seems so far off from ours. I don't really have answers to either of those questions (why Belinda's death, and why our waiting). I spend many minutes of the day wondering if we will ever be matched with a child, wondering how long it will take, wondering how much I can handle.

Pain is a crazy thing. It makes you question God, wrestle with God, and at the same time, draw ridiculously close to his heart because you have no choice but to rely on him with what little strength you have...knowing he is the only one who truly understands the pain.

My Dad sent me this amazing, encouraging email last Thursday after I got off the phone with him. He said this, "Life is truly like a vapor, but sometimes that vapor is more like a burst of expensive perfume in which the fragrance of Jesus lingers on for a long time. Part of your own beauty is what you carry around with you because of Belinda (think if you would have never stepped foot on that plane, by yourself going to Australia that summer). But the relationship I am sure was mutual and she carried her own unique fragrance of you...when you think of what your life would have been like without a friendship with Belinda, and an adoption process that at times seems like it will never end, something would be missing. Instead of the beautiful fragrance of Christ, you’d smell like a cheap perfume rather than a genuine natural fragrance, that simply smells incredibly beautiful."

When I think about the way that Belinda carried herself in the last few months of her life, completely and utterly radiating the aroma of Christ, I can't help but hope that my life does the same as I struggle with some of the most painful days in this journey. I was reminded this week of the lyrics of Steven Curtis Chapman's Song, "Beauty Will Rise"...

"Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise"

I am thankful that Belinda is experiencing a new joy, and trust that in the days to come, beauty will rise through our pain as well.

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