Fasting and Failing...

It's been 3 weeks and 1 day since I started "7."  To be honest, I haven't really wanted to write this blog post, because I have felt somewhat a failure at this fast.  I have felt like a failure for a lot of reasons.  First of all, while I have eaten A LOT of chicken, spinach, apples, bread, black beans, eggs, and sweet potatoes, there have been several times when I have had to veer away from the fast due to traveling, retreats I have been on, and dinner appointments we have had.  Each time I have veered away from the 7 items, I have felt like I have failed...like I haven't done this thing as well as I possibly could, even though the reality was that I didn't really have access to those 7 items.  Guilt...it gets me every time.

I have also struggled with hearing God's voice.  To be honest, one of the biggest reasons I chose to participate in this fast was because I so desperately wanted to hear God's voice on several major things I had been personally praying for direction on.  I have struggled to hear God.  I am still searching for direction.  In some ways I have felt like I haven't done this thing  right...failure again.

I have struggled with finding gratitude for the food that I do get to eat, especially the past week.  I decided last Sunday that I didn't think I was going to be able to swallow any more chicken and certainly couldn't eat another bite of spinach.  I couldn't seem to remember in those moments that friends that I have met along my journey eat far less than that on a daily basis.  I totally felt like I had failed in learning solidarity.

I have struggled with  my emotions during the past 3 weeks.  There have been times when I have been angry...because I just want a cup of coffee.  There have been times that I have been overwhelmed...out of my desperation to hear God's voice.  There have been times when I have been on edge...my guess is because I have completely changed my diet overnight, cold turkey.  There  have been times when I have been an emotional wreck, crying like a pregnant woman (and no I am not pregnant), out of sheer exhaustion from trying to sort out all that I am thinking about.

And so...all of that led me to a major meltdown at my parents house this past Thursday night.  My sister and I were in charge of a major youth event for 300-400 people.  It was being held at my parent's church, so I had gone down a few days early to prepare for the event.  Earlier that day, I had been told that two of my friends in Ethiopia, who are incredibly dear to my heart, who became like family to us during our adoption journey, were going through some really hard times with their work, due to the adoption slow down in Ethiopia (that's a whole different story).  My one friend had been laid off completely, and the other was struggling to make ends meet.  As I sat at the table, eating a "Non-7" dinner my Mom had graciously made us, I struggled to eat my food and then all of a sudden lost it.

"Losing it," included crying uncontrollably, staring at my food with an immense amount of guilt thinking that I totally didn't even deserve a meal that night, sobbing out the story of my two friends in Ethiopia and the burdens they were carrying that night, expressing my brokenness over being stuck between where I live and what I have seen, yelling that God wasn't even talking to me during this fast, and sharing the deepest part of my soul with my family...I am desperate to hear God's voice.  My Mom and Dad sat at the table with me, listened to me, consoled me, and allowed me to pour out my soul that night without judging me.

While I wish that I could say that I had some break through from God that night, I can't say that I did.  Honestly, I went to bed feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted.  I have been reflecting on that night the past few days.  And here is what I think.

1.  God is at work...even though I don't necessarily know how yet.  I didn't choose to do this fast for fun (it's not really fun...trust me).  I did it because I wanted to create more space for God in my life.  Jen Hatmaker, author of "7," says, "Even if we don't exactly understand what will happen in that empty space, we can trust God to meet us there.  Something important awaits us."  Maybe God will show it to me tomorrow.  Maybe he will show it to me next year.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that I felt called to do it and I am going to be obedient.

2.  Guilt isn't the goal God had in mind for fasting.  Hatmaker also says in her book, "God didn't invite me into this fast to condemn me.  It was to liberate me.  This isn't a guilt-mongering, finger-pointing, comparison game.  Nor is it some angry, cynical holier-than-thou experiment to feel superior to others."  I have always struggled with not being good enough, not doing enough, and being upset when I don't go 110%.  The honest truth is, I AM NOT PERFECT!  And Jesus knows that (he also knows I have a serious weakness for donuts...that's also another story for another day).  If I focus on all the places I mess up and don't do this "perfectly," I will essentially miss out on what God really wants to show me.  I don't want to miss him.

3.  While I may not have heard God's voice yet on the specifics I am praying for...he is transforming my heart.  I know because I have felt burdened for specific people during this time period and I have found myself weeping for them.  I know because I have listened to worship songs that have grabbed a hold of my heart in ways that have surprised me.  I know because the desire to know and understand all that God is calling me to hasn't gone away...it has only increased with a deeper passion.  I know because I haven't given up on the belief that God breaks through when we fast.

If you were to peer in on the past 21 days of my life, you would see A LOT.  You would see a girl who used to love chicken, now dread it.  You would see a girl living without coffee and counting down the days until she can have it (6 days to be exact).  You would see a girl who has been an epic failure at times.  You would see a girl who has been face down and broken before God.  You would see a girl with so many imperfections and short comings.  But most of all, you would see a girl who is deeply loved by her Creator God, a God who thinks the world of her, despite the days she feels like a failure.  Thanks be to God.



 


Comments

  1. SarahFebruary 2, 2014 at 1:29 PM

    Thanks for your honest cries....I truly understand what you have been through. I have struggled with the feeling of failure and with connecting with God in the way I desired. I even got so frustrated with the "breaks" from the fast for dinner parties we had scheduled months before, that I completely gave up last Monday. Ironically, it was at that point that I began to truly connect with God. Again, a reminder that this is not about legalism, following the rules or impressing him. Like you, I believe God has much He wants to teach me, He has just been waiting for me to get to the end of myself so I can see Him.

    In our E100 scriptures this week I related to the statement of the man whose sight was restored..."once I was blind and now I can see." The cry of my heart is to see God and to join him in the places He is working. I will be praying for God to do a new thing in our lives.

    Now on to 7 articles of clothing...simplicity...less focus on looking good and impressing others...giving away what we don't need and appreciating what we have. Yesterday I actually returned some clothing I purchased last week that I knew I did not need. I walked from the store with a smile on my face.

    So much to learn.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SarahFebruary 2, 2014 at 1:30 PM

    The above comment was from "Pam" not Sarah. I didn't realize I was signed in as her. Sorry!

    ReplyDelete

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