Finding Contentment...

It's often when we get to a place of contentment that God changes things.  I found that out this past January.  I had spent the entire Advent Season praying that I would feel contentment in the depths of my heart.  Contentment with who I am, contentment in my job, and contentment at home.  Throughout the Fall, I struggled with all sorts of feelings of inadequacies.  I questioned my ministry assignment, questioned my ability to be a good mom and a good wife, and even questioned my capability to connect with teenagers...which was my job.  I just felt like I couldn't get to a place where I felt content with my life.

So I decided to spend the Advent Season praying that God would show up and help my heart to be content.  I didn't want to spend my days longing for something different, complaining about circumstances, or missing out on the moments given each day that are beyond beautiful.  I wanted to get to a place where I believed in the depths of my heart, "God...You alone are enough for me."

Mother Frances Dominica said, "You will find the living God in the pages of the Bible.  You will find him also just exactly where you are."  I spent a lot of the Advent Season combing through the pages of God's word, but it was often in the early morning hours, as I sat on the couch that I felt his presence.  It was in the stillness, in the darkness, in the quiet.

About mid-December, I read the story about God providing manna from heaven for Moses and the Israelites.  God reminds Moses and the people that he will provide everything they need and all they need to do is trust him.  For some crazy reason, they don't.  Despite the wonders that God has done, despite everything they have experienced, they still don't trust him.  They can't be content that God is enough.  So they take control.  They start to call the shots.  They gather stuff when God says don't gather, they devise their own plan, and they totally miss out on this unbelievable gift of adventure that God has already set in motion.

Sometimes when we struggle with being content, we start to do our own thing.  We devise our own plans, we against what we know that God is asking of us.  We spend our days complaining and in the end we miss out.

The truth is, God loves us with this crazy love.  Brennan Manning once said, "You could more easily catch a hurricane in a shrimp net than you can understand the wild, relentless, passionate, uncompromising love of God made present in the manger."  When we really get and understand just how much God loves us,  and that his plans and his ways and what he has for us is good, I think we experience a deep sense of satisfaction and contentment.

God is really good Father.  It's who he is (that song, by the way, basically woke me up in the middle of the night, every night, during Advent).  And he loves us.  Knowing that changes everything.

On December 21, I wrote these words in my journal:

"This Advent Season has been incredibly life giving in its own unique way.  At the beginning of the month I really prayed that I would learn to be content.  I didn't want to spend my days longing for a different job, complaining about circumstances, or missing out on the moments I am given every day that are beyond beautiful.  The past 3 weeks I have felt a contentment within.  It doesn't mean I've been without struggle or frustration, but I have felt God's peace deep within me.  It's been one of the best things I have felt in a long time.  I am grateful for these days you have given me, and especially grateful to this week leading up to Christmas Day.  You are an amazing Father and I psraise you for just being present in me."

Almost a week after I wrote that journal entry, God opened up one of the greatest opportunities I could have been given for this next stage of my life.  I wasn't searching, looking, or even wanting it.  But God's love for us...it surprises us, takes us off guard and shocks us by its goodness.  It's when we get to place of contentment that we will begin to see that.