Continued Lessons of Surrender....

Lately, I have had several people ask me, "What's going on with the adoption...anything new?" "New" would be the understatement. A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and I have been trying to process it before I chose to blog about it. I will try to catch you up as best as I can.

Several weeks ago, we went to our social worker trying to get a grasp on the wait process. We asked her where we were in the grand scheme of waiting, to which she did some research with our agency, and came back concluding, "You are going to wait a long time if you are only open to a sibling group that includes an infant." After much prayer and seeking, we surrendered the desire for an infant and opened up our preference sheet to say we were open to two under the age of 4, no infant necessary. Let me just pause for a minute and say...for me...that was a big surrender.

I felt like the weight of the world was off of my shoulders, until we got another dreaded call from our social worker. She basically told us the agency was not seeing sibling groups at all that were under the age of 4. She felt like we needed a conference call with the head of the agency who would tell us what she was seeing in the Ethiopian program. Well, that phone call basically led to one finding...there are about 7 families asking for sibling groups under the age of 4, two of which have been waiting for almost 2 years. We have been waiting for 10 months...AND...they aren't seeing sibling groups.

I got off the phone that day devastated. They encouraged us to pray about the possibility of adopting an older sibling group, or opening our preference sheet to say we would take an infant or a sibling group...whichever we got matched with first. That was a tough decision to be thinking about, because it was so far removed from what we had been thinking we would be matched with over the past 10 months. And that's when the next curve ball was thrown.

I was at work the next day when I got an email that somewhat rocked my world for the next 10 days. There was a family of 3 kids (all under the age of 5, one being a baby) from a different country than Ethiopia, looking to be matched with a family. If we were interested we were supposed to submit our name. "Were we interested??? We were interested???" Of course we were interested. There were just a few problems. First, the program was brand new and if chosen, we would be the first family to adopt from that country with our agency. Secondly, it was THREE kids. Thirdly, we hadn't yet discerned whether this was an open door from God or not. And fourth...THREE KIDS!

We were given pictures, bios, medical history, etc. We had to officially submit our names with a reason of why we would be a good family by the end of November. That was like 10 days away. We were leery about really talking to anyone about it, and the people we did talk to (family, spiritual advisers, prayer partners), were leery in giving us advice too quickly. This was a BIG decision.

I can't really describe to you how those 10 days felt. You may be reading this thinking, "I don't know what the big deal is. It's just submitting your name...you don't even know if you would be picked." Let me tell you, it was a big deal. I don't think I have ever sought the Lord so hard on a decision before. Every morning, I was face down praying for discernment. I woke up night after night, not being able to sleep, because I didn't want us to make the wrong decision. I fasted...I prayed...I journaled...I prayed some more...I sought scripture. I did not feel like God was giving the green light, and I didn't feel like he was saying "no" either. Sometimes, I think that is an even harder place to be then getting a "no." I finally found myself praying that the Lord would give Nate a discerning heart and that we would make the decision we needed to.

Sandwiched between all that was Thanksgiving and the joy of having a full house of three nephews and family. It was awesome, and by the end of the weekend, I thought to myself, "We can do this! We can be a family to three kids." I don't know how to explain it, but I still didn't have a green light. Sunday night Nate and I sat down, two days before the decision would need to be made, and he looked at me and said, "I really think we need to stick with Ethiopia. I don't feel like God is saying yes or no on this. I just know in my heart we are supposed to stick with Ethiopia."

I sobbed in his arms...for a long time. And then I sobbed some more. I am not sure what happened in that moment, but it was like a possibility died. We have prayed so hard these past several years for a family, and in that moment, I felt as though we were close. I experienced grief that night in a way that I can't really describe.

The next few days God began to shed some light into our life and give us a peace that only he could give. I still am not sure why that opportunity was a part of our journey and why we had to experience the heartbreak of saying no, but what I do know is that when you are face down on the ground seeking God's direction, the closeness you feel to him is indescribable. I think he is teaching us total dependence on him. In the areas where we want control, he is saying let go. In the questions, he is saying...you don't have to have all the answers. Just trust me.

Nate and I have now opened up our preference sheet to say, "We will take a sibling group OR a single infant." We no longer have control. And although it has taken me awhile, I think that actually brings peace to my soul.