Expectations, Struggles, and God's Grace...

I have officially finished month one of my "7" experiment/fast.  When I say, "officially finished," what I really mean is that I have moved onto month 2.  Honest confession...I ended the fast 3 days early.  At the start of January, I was so excited about embarking on this journey of "7."  I knew that it would be challenging, but I had no idea just how challenging it would be.  For the first week, my seven foods tasted amazing.  I felt like I was eating healthy, I felt like I was focusing on God, and I felt like I could conquer the world (by that I mean...survive 28 days of going without coffee).  The second week, it got a little more challenging.  I continued to do my best to stay within the fast, but each day brought on new cravings.  I spent a lot of time praying that I would would desire God more than I desired food, Dunkin Donut runs, and the candy sitting a foot away from me at my desk.  The third week, I struggled with more than the food.  I struggled because I felt like I wasn't hearing God, which I believed I was creating the space and time for, and I felt incredibly overwhelmed with life...hence the meltdown moment that I shared in my last blog.  It was in the final week that I came to the reality of my fast.

I think I expected a lot of things this first month of "7"  I expected to have some massive spiritual breakthrough.  I expected God to speak to me in some incredible way...like a big loud booming voice from heaven.  I expected to rid myself of all sugar cravings for life (ok...so maybe that one isn't true).  I expected to make it to the very end and feel like I had accomplished the impossible.  I expected for life to be less about me and more about God.

Here is what really happened.  I had an emotional meltdown.  God did not speak to me in a big booming voice...in fact some days he was quite silent.  My sugar cravings increased (just ask my Dad about our donut shenanigans on the way to prayer retreat).  I ended the fast 3 days early after ordering eggs and black beans at one of my favorite restaurants and then going home and feeling like I was going to throw up if I ate one more plate of eggs.  And I struggled day to day with why God had called me to this fast...often focusing more on my frustration and less on his hand in all of this.

Then I read the passage in I Kings 19:9-18.  Elijah the prophet has just spent the night in a cave when he finds himself in a conversation with the Lord.  The Lord asks him what he is doing and Elijah responds (in my personal translation), "I have been excited about what you want to do!  All the people around me...not so much.  They are breaking commands, going against all that you have for them and I am the only guy left trying to live for you."  The Lord tells him to go out and stand on this mountain side to hear from him again.  Elijah goes out there and tries to listen.  The passage says that a big, powerful wind comes...God is not in it.  Then a massive earthquake comes...God isn't in that either.  Then a huge fire comes...Elijah thinks that's going to be it...but God isn't in that either.  The passage finally says, after all of that crazy big stuff, "a gentle whisper" comes and Elijah hears it.  It's the Lord speaking.

As I read that passage, I was reminded that God doesn't always "show up" in the manner that we expect.  We often expect for him to speak and move in these ways that will leave us speechless...and he is capable and does at times.  More often, we experience his voice in the simple and smaller ways.  After reading that passage, I began to reflect on my month again.  Here is what else I found happened.  My desire for God increased in a way that I hadn't experienced before.  While I didn't hear a direct answer about some of the decisions I had been praying about, I felt an indescribable peace in the days following the fast.  I was given opportunities to pray with my husband over what we were experienced.  I was reminded of my friends in on the other side of the world who have a real struggle with hunger and daily needs, bringing to me to my knees in prayer for them.  I had some soul shaping conversations with my family over heart issues.  I was reminded that God is not finished with our journey and my desire to know what's next deepened.  I learned that God is not interested in us just doing stuff to do it, but he is interested in our hearts.  I learned that sometimes we have to let go of our expectations and allow God to show up in his own way.

So was the first month of "7" successful?  That depends.  If successful means withstanding the temptation of eating donuts as you pass a huge billboard with a picture of one on the highway (again...ask my Dad about that story)...than no, I was not successful.  But if successful means seeing God in a new light, growing a deeper love and passion for his ways, and being surprised by his grace when we fail...than yes, I would say it was a success.

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 8, 2014 at 10:18 AM

    Your journey sent me to our pantry to view all the things we had in stock for future meals. Items we regularly use that I purchased on sale and stocked up on. Soups, cereal, diced tomatoes, canned pineapple. oatmeal, spinach, canned salmon, peanut butter, jam, ketchup, raisins, baked beans, vegetable oil, vinegar, gravy mix, canned beets, spaghetti, nuts. tomato sauces, macaroni noodles, jello, pudding, dish detergent, hair shampoo, soap, etc. I was thinking of all those around my area who do not have enough to eat. We live in such abundance.

    God impressed upon me to go buy the identical same items, box them up and take them to the Maryland Food Bank and add some items to them that I knew would be helpful to those without. Yes it was effort, time, and money layout in access of our regular grocery bill. But God has blessed us over and over in a very short period of time for what I thought would be our sacrifice.

    I encourage everyone to look in their pantries and cupboards and give to those who do not have in some way. Money to mission projects, food to the food bank or somewhere that the items would be properly distributed to those in need. Go through your closets and give clothes you no longer wear away to missions. The need just down the street or across the seas is great and there is enough of abundance to meet those needs.

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