A Talker Who Came to Love Solitude...

I have always been a "talker."  I am reminded at least once a week that I talk a lot and really, I can't argue about it.  I talk A LOT.  Not only do I talk a lot, but I really don't like to be alone either.  I love being around people and I love talking!  So you can imagine that when my cohort encouraged me to take a whole day of solitude, every ounce in my being shouted, "NO!"  I didn't really see a need for it, even though many of the women in the cohort had shared how beneficial it was.  I didn't really feel like I had time for it due to the sheer fact that our Spring Youth Retreat is less than two weeks away.  And I didn't really feel like being alone could possibly benefit me in anyway.  Nevertheless, as I stated in my last blog, when I know that 9 friends are going to hold me accountable, I stick to my word.  I called a retreat place and scheduled a day of "solitude."

I had no idea what the day would look like.  I grabbed a journal, my Bible, a bagged lunch and few books and headed an hour away to a campground.  The people running the campground gave me a cabin to use for the day, unlocked a women's prayer chapel, and encouraged me to walk wherever I wanted.  With the exception of the workers, who I didn't see the majority of the day, I was completely alone.

That is not entirely true.  Enter Jesus.  Jesus and I have been doing life together for 30 years.  We have been through a lot together.  But this day of solitude...something was different.  I began the day by writing every worry I had down on paper.  Fears.  Things I was anxious about.  Things I was stressed about.  And then handed them over to Jesus.  I then began to read Psalm 103 and landed on this verse, "Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not his benefits."  That's where things in my heart started changing.  I began to really think about the things that God has done in my life.  I began to think about the way that he has healed my heart at times.  I began to think about the fact that this past year he decided to rescue us from our broken hearts and bring us together with Biruk.  And I totally became overwhelmed by God's love.  I wept in that women's prayer chapel.  I wept out of the sheer fact that God loves me with an overwhelming kind of love.

I spent the remainder of the morning sitting on a bridge allowing that true that "I am God's beloved" to sink into the depths of my soul.  I walked in the woods (surprisingly not afraid), and felt a closeness to God that I haven't felt in a long time.  I found myself praising him, thanking him, and just being with him.  All worries were cast away.  All questions were cast away.  All fear was cast away.  It was just me and Jesus doing life together.

After reflecting, journaling and just being with God, I decided to go back to my little house and have lunch.  You would think it would be weird to eat lunch by yourself...in a little house that isn't yours...with no television, music or noise.  But something awesome took place.  I pulled out my sandwich and thought to myself, "I am having a picnic lunch with Jesus!"  As weird as that may seem, I found that privilege (which is exactly what I would call it), overwhelming.  I then pulled out a note from Nate (who had made my lunch) that said this, "There are times when silence has the loudest voice.  Love you.  xoxo Nate."  I totally lost it.  I don't really know how to explain that whole morning other than to say, I was overwhelmed by God's goodness, kindness, and unconditional love in my life.  I was and am overwhelmed by what he keeps doing in our lives, what he keeps blessing us with and how he keeps being incredibly faithful.

I don't know that my words really say what my heart felt after a day of solitude, but I know without a doubt, something in my soul changed.  To know that you are loved, regardless of how good you are at your job, how strong you are as a person, how awesome of a mom you are, or how hard to you try at life...it transforms your heart.  That's what I felt.  That's what I took away.  As Brennan Manning says, "I could more easily contain the Gulf of Mexico in a shot glass than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable, love of God."  It's that huge of a kind of love.

Manning also says this, "All I have to do is be still...stay close...and let you, God, love me into wholeness."  I am not sure why it is so hard for us to be still, but I know that it is in the stillness that God often speaks.  Solitude is a gift that we have left unwrapped for most of our life.  God is waiting for us.  Not to bug us.  Not necessarily to ask more of us.  Just to be with us.  And his benefits are endless.