Fears, Faith, and 10 Strangers...

While I wish this was the first picture of Biruk looking at the ocean, it is not!  This is after he took the leap to trust.

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in solitude.  If you are reading this and you actually know me, as well as my personality, you are probably thinking...NO WAY!    Let me back up a little and share how I got there and then more importantly, how it an incredible experience it really was.  This past September, I was invited to join a Women in Youth Ministry Cohort, with 9 other women Youth Pastors across the country.  I didn't know a whole lot about it other than, it cost a decent amount, it would an opportunity to learn, grow, and be "coached" in my professional work as a Youth Pastor, and I would travel to California twice during the year.  I also knew the cohort was being led by a friend I had met (via Facebook), April Diaz, who had been a huge source of encouragement during my infertility and adoption journey.  April has not only been a Youth Pastor for along time, but was also an adoptive mom of two kids from Ethiopia, and has a ton to share in regards to leadership. For where I was in my life, I knew that the cohort was what I needed, and non-confidently, signed up.  I had no idea it would change my life.

I traveled out to California this past March to meet the other 9 women, as well as meet April for the first time face to face (so surreal after sharing our journeys via Facebook and email for 4 years!).  I participated in our first 2 day face to face meeting.  For two days, we shared about our lives, prayed for each other, and encouraged one another.  We were asked some hard questions,  challenged to think outside of the box on some of our situations, and encouraged to see ourselves as confident and strong women leaders.  In the end, we were asked to assign ourselves "homework" that we would work on in the month to come (seeing that we would meet via video conferencing that next month).

Here is the part that has changed my life.  One of my assignments...to face my fears.  Now that may seem silly, but I am pretty fearful person.  I don't like to go places by myself, I don't like to run by myself, I don't really like the dark...you name it, I have feared it.  I also am smart enough to know that it's our fears that box us in.  It's our fears that imprison us.  It's our fears that keep us from doing things.  Ultimately, it's our fears that keep us from doing the things God calls us to do and being the person that he has created us to be.  With the realization, I decided that I would face some of my fears and then journal about the experience.

At first, facing my fears seemed almost impossible.  I felt small.  I felt sick to my stomach at times.  I wasn't sure I had the power to do it. I didn't want to face them (and then I thought about the 10 women who would be asking me about them and realized I HAD TO!).  And then something happened.  I realized just how dependent I had to be on God.  I started reminding myself of what I knew to be true about God and what he has to say about me.  I realized it didn't have a lot to do with what I thought I could do, it had everything to do with what He could do in me.  And while the fears didn't totally go away, little by little, I began to see my relationship with God in a different light.  Not only is he a big God, but he cares about even the smallest of my fears, despite how crazy they may seem...just because he loves me.  And that brings me to my day of solitude.

My cohort encouraged me to take a full day of solitude and to be honest, I didn't really want to.  There are a few reasons why.  One, it's really hard for me to be still.  Two, it's really hard for me to be quiet.  Three, it's really hard for me not to be distracted.  And four...the biggest one...I am often afraid to be alone.  Nevertheless, when accountability is in the picture, I am a woman true to her word!  I called and arranged to spend the day at a campground/retreat place, by myself, ALONE, near the woods, and I LOVED EVERY BIT OF IT!!!

I learned so much yesterday, which I will share in my next blog.  But what blows my mind, is that if I wouldn't have faced my fears, I would have missed out on what will go down as one of the most encouraging and incredible days I have had with God in a long time.  I believe God desires for us to face our fears and he doesn't require us to do it alone.  He is there every step, calling to us, gently encouraging us to just trust him.

I preached on Sunday morning about fear, and shared this story at the end of my message.  While we were in California, we had the opportunity to take Biruk to the beach for the first time.  I had pictured this Kodak moment where we would skip on the sand as a family and go running into the ocean.  Boy was I wrong!  Biruk was deathly terrified of the water...and the sand...and the entire beach.  He clung onto me like a Koala Bear.  A couple of days later, he touched the sand again and decided it wasn't that bad.  So he walked out onto the beach.  He mustered enough guts to get down the the edge of the water, but still had that look of fear in him.  As I stood behind him I saw this picture that has stuck with me.  Biruk stood at the edge of that ocean just staring at it...miles of sand to the right and to the left and endless miles of ocean in front of him.  I thought to myself, "What a picture of what God wants for us.  To just step out and trust him and say, 'Let's Do This!'"  The song "Oceans" by Hillsong says this,

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

As I continue to tackle my fears with the help of my 10 friends around the country and an amazing and HUGE God, I can't help but say those words..."Lead me where my trust is without borders!"  I can't wait to see what God has for me next!